


feel me (when the panic attacks)

by embracedself



Series: SuperCorp [29]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Happy Ending, Inspired by Music, Kryptonese, Mentions of Krypton, Minor Belle/Rumplestiltskin, Minor Jim/Pam, Miscommunication, Not Canon Compliant, mentions of Nyssa and Seg-El
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29647170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embracedself/pseuds/embracedself
Summary: It started in an elevator.Fitting it ends in one too.(Or does it?)
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Series: SuperCorp [29]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2062236
Comments: 14
Kudos: 86





	feel me (when the panic attacks)

**Author's Note:**

> Angst practice ahead! So if I'm terrible at it, sorry. I just wanted to explore some canon adjacent things that *might* could happen in this next season or should have happened in the past one. I wrote this in the span of two hours roughly, and spent the next 15 minutes editing. So again, if it sucks, sorry. Feel free to (nicely) point out where I could improve with my angst/feels. All that being said, I'm really excited to show you guys this fic.
> 
> So without further ado, enjoy.... _feel me (when the panic attacks)_

It started in an elevator. Of course it did— This distrust between them; the first time that Kara knew she’d be losing Lena if she continued to lie to her. And then, when she didn’t stop that lie, just as she’d predicted …. She’d lost Lena. The best of friends, the best of the Luthors — Kara didn’t even have the right to say her name anymore. It was Miss Luthor again, the walls back up and locked with a key that not even Sam Arias would be able to open the heart with.

Lena was _broken._

It’s only fair it ends in an elevator as well. When Lena strode into the elevator (she didn’t use the personal one that Cat Grant had installed for her — she may be the boss, but she wasn’t above everyone else … That’s what Lena had said, at least.) she didn’t even bother looking at Kara. For her part, Kara was stunned silent. She didn’t know what to say, didn’t know if she could say anything. It wasn’t often that Lena even bothered to stand in an elevator whenever Kara was in it as well.

But now? They were alone in one, and Kara wasn’t sure what to make of it.

Kara turned away, looking intently at the numbers off the elevator buttons. She was focused on them for a few seconds, until the elevator jolted. What… what was that? Kara wasn’t sure— all she registered was the panic inside her brain. The screeching sound repeated, a slight gnashing echo to it as the elevator stopped.

“Fuck.” Distantly, Kara could hear Lena’s voice. “Elevator’s stuck.” Kara could hear the words — really, she could. Did she register them? Maybe a little. But was she capable of comprehending them currently? Not at all. No, no, no. The Earth must hate Kara — She was stuck in an elevator, one that kept jolting and grinding, with Lena. Her best worst friend.

_You did this to yourself. To yourself, and worse, to Lena. You broke her._

Kara slid down the side of the elevator, panicked as she placed her hands over her ears. It was all too real, all too familiar. She could remember it too clearly — _Yeyu, please. I don’t want to go!_ — and promising to remember the family mantra. _Stronger Together. El Marayah, always._

The next boom was that of a voice, not that Kara could register the words. Lena must have understood, muttering something about the cord needing to be pulled up manually. The words individually made sense, but strung together, Kara could not remember what the English meant. 

Instead, she remembered flashes of Krypton — the best parts, studying science for her place in the Guild… studying Kryptonian flowers to practice courtships; and _oh_ her grandparents. Nyssa-El and Seg-El. She closed her eyes as she struggled to remember the sound of their voices to drown out the heartbeats drumming in her ears.

She took a harsh breath, one she could barely swallow for all the potstickers in the world. Knowing that she needed the oxygen, she forced it down, but Rao. Kara thought there was nearly nothing as hard as breathing in this very moment.

“Kara?” The sound of her name is enough to jolt (a word that makes her cringe away now — knowing how it sounded so intimately.) her into some semblance of reality. “Can you hear me? Kara…” Lena sounded anxious. That was alarming enough to get Kara focused on the sound of Lena’s voice.

She blinked, struggling as she tried to recall what it was that had happened. Her face felt hot and splotchy. No. What had happened? Had she embarrassed herself in front of her boss (Ex worst best friend...) _again?_

“Miss Luthor.” Kara acknowledged, gulping the name out of her chest as if it physically pained her. It did. She doesn’t feel very much like the breathing she’d been working on, was indeed working.

Kara watched with blurry vision as Lena visibly cringed at the cold address. _Wasn’t it what you wanted?_ She wondered. Shaking her head, she whimpered— a sound that causes Lena to nonetheless step into action. Step closer. Place a hand on her arm.

“Kara.” Lena repeated. “Can you focus on me?” she asked. “You aren’t looking me in the eye, you know.”

“Sorry Miss Luthor.” Kara mumbled, opening her eyes further — as much as she could whilst the tears stained her face. She focused on Lena’s face (beautiful, Rao. She’s so beautiful.) and once more, though she admittedly was curious as to why Lena seemed to cringe at how formal Kara was being even in this moment.

Perhaps it was merely because Kara was showing this weakness. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I— I’m usually much better at concealing these things.” she rambled out a mumbled explanation. Rao, why did it have to be Lena who was forced into this elevator with her? Kara had been doing so good at allowing Lena space.

And now it was like the world trapped them together.

“Almost like you’re a secret agent,” Lena’s face clouded over as she murmured the words in reply. “So clever at masking your emotions. But not now, we aren’t going there just yet.” she closed her eyes, sharply inhaling when she saw how Kara’s face fell at the words she spoke.

She took another breath. Deep inhale, long exhale. “Follow my lead.” she ordered. “Come on, Kara.” she encouraged as she took another breath.

Kara obeyed. After all, this was Lena, and her orders (her wishes, even….) were absolute. No matter what they were, or how bad they hurt Kara. “Loud.” she muttered. “It’s so fucking loud in here. I can hear every single heartbeat upstairs. They’re all panicked for the big boss stuck in an elevator. They each think they’re going to lose their job for this.”

Kara began to recite in a scrambled tone. “Pam, HR’s secretary, is talking to Jim — one of your consultants — about where they’ll go for lunch. It’s a date. Their first while in the office. It’s something that makes Pam’s heart beat extra fast; And Jim’s voice deepens when he speaks to her.”

“Belle from the library down the street is here talking to Robert, one of the building’s security guards. They’re talking about their son, a boy named Gideon who has the cutest little brown eyes you’ll ever see.” Kara closed her eyes. “He’s three, but he’s so intelligent. Talks in rambly sentences. Reminds Belle of me, but I don’t see it.” A watery laugh escaped her then. Lena echoed the chuckle, though Kara almost didn’t hear it.

“Kara.” Lena repeated for a third time. “Come on, feel my pulse point. Trace the lines on my palm, here. Okay? Just focus on me.” Lena thrust her hand into Kara’s, waiting. “Darling.” The word alone is enough to cause panicked eyes to clear a little, returning a bit of Kara to sanity. “Focus on me.”

“Focus on you.” Kara parroted. Tuning out the world was a hard task, but as she began to trace the lines on Lena’s hand … it was easier. Focusing on _Lena_ was easier.

The other hand felt her pulse point on Lena’s wrist, and felt the way it spiked at first when Kara first touched the other woman. Kara had just enough time to wonder when the last time Lena had been hugged was, when another rumble of the elevator caused her to whimper.

“Hey, hey. Focus on me. What do you hear in here? Can you hear my heartbeat?” Lena asked — her voice all too patient for the betrayal that Kara had given her. Kara knew she didn’t deserve it. The worst part of all this was, Lena did not know the same. _Lena thought she deserved it._ Rao, it was the worst thing Kara had ever heard.

“Sometimes, it’s all I hear.” Kara confessed without thinking, the panic loosening her tongue. “I listen for it all the time. Especially when I go to bed. Check for it a few times a day, just to make sure you’re not in danger.” The words fall out in quick succession, her voice speeding up when she felt Lena tense.

“Well.” Lena was not sure what to say to that. “Flattering, I suppose.” she murmured at last, squeezing Kara’s hand. “Focus on my heart beating again then. It’s loud, right?” She hoped it wasn’t too obvious how affected she was by the way Kara was still holding her hand, clutching it like a lifeline.

“Yeah,” Kara nodded, gulping slightly. “So loud, _zrhueiao_.” She agreed. Lena made a sound in the back of her throat, curious as to what the word meant. She was halfway confident in the assumption it was a Kryptonian phrase, what with the way Kara had said it — lovingly, but deep in the back of her throat. It came out rather gravelly, and Lena had a feeling it had nothing to do with the way Kara was crying.

The elevator began to rumble again. Kara closed her eyes tightly, but this time it was due to the elevator screech back to life— allowing the elevator doors to open. Lena was halfway on the floor of the elevator whilst Kara was doubled over, almost in a fetal position.

“Everybody get out.” Lena snarled when she saw people taking notice of Kara’s discomfort. “Is everyone done with their job for the day, or am I about to fire the lot of you?” she raised an eyebrow challengingly.

They went back to work without a murmur, but for Kara, the damage was already done. “I need to go.” she mumbled, her voice sluggish. “Need Alex.”

“I’ll call her. You come with me.” Lena decisively countered. “If you think I’m letting you drive or… use other methods of transportations right now, you’ve got another thing coming.” She lowered her voice. _“Supergirl.”_ It was a low blow, but whatever it took. Lena wanted to make sure Kara was safe — despite everything that had happened between them. A voice inside Lena’s heart was actually whispering to _talk_ to Kara now.

To give her a chance to explain herself.

It was a surprising thought. She had only been stewing for a few weeks (almost two months, but who was counting? Not Lena. And definitely, most definitely, not Kara.) The anger had been burning bright and fiery most of the entire time.

And now it was gone, almost as soon as she’d seen Kara in that elevator all alone. Of course, they needed to talk in order to fix it… but would Kara even want to talk?

Kara cringed, nodding nonetheless, filling Lena with doubts on the matter. “Fair.” She was coming back to herself now, vision returning to her as well. It was a relief to know even still that Lena was protecting her… no matter what the reasoning behind it was. 

_Not_ that Kara was trying to think about that, really. She was just… so grateful to Lena right now.

The Kryptonian followed the best of Luthors into her office. Took a deep breath and tried not to look too pitiful as she listened in on Lena’s half of the conversation with Alex. “She’ll be here in a few minutes. Do you want some tylenol, in the meantime? Does that affect you?” Lena asked, shutting her phone with a click.

“Not really.” Kara answered. “Listen, Lena… About everything, I just…. Today was rough, but you made it so much easier to swim through that ocean. I just wanted to say thank you for that.” She rushed to say. “And I’ll always be grateful for that.” She sat on the couch, nervously picking at her nails.

Lena nodded, sitting on her couch across from Kara. Crossed her legs in that pencil skirt that Kara was still unsure how she wore all the time. “It’s nothing, Kara.” Kara disagreed, but wasn’t about to argue with her ex best friend.

“Okay. Thank you, nonetheless.” she repeated earnestly. “And…”

“Not now.” Lena interrupted too quickly. Despite the fact that she wanted to talk about it (and she was definitely sure about it now that she had Kara’s vote too) she knew this wasn’t the place. “We shouldn’t, not here.” she clarified. “But I do have a question.”

“Anything.” Kara was quick to comply.

“What does… What does _zrhueiao_ mean?” she asked, the word tasting weird on her tongue. Lena watched as Kara’s mouth dropped open. Kara felt her mouth go dry at the question, at how easily the Kryptonian rolled off Lena’s tongue.

“I was just… saying how pretty you were. How beautiful, and lovely. It’s a…. Totally platonic term for all that stuff!” Kara exaggerated the words. Perhaps it wasn’t as _totally platonic_ as she claimed; but she wasn’t about to tell Lena that. It would only spell disaster.

“Kara.” The word is severe. “If we’re going to talk again, ever again, I need you to be honest with me. A hundred percent honest.” And despite all that Kara said about Lena being nothing like the Luthors, well, her glare rivaled theirs.

Kara cowered under the stare. “It’s not platonic.” She broached the subject carefully. “I’ve been doing a lot… a lot of thinking since I screwed up,” that was putting it simply. “Thinking about how I never told you, and the reasons I had behind all of it. Not all of them were good reasons. Not nearly enough. But the biggest?” she twisted her hands, fiddling with her thumbs.

“I was afraid you’d see me as nothing more than _her._ Someone you’ve always hated, someone you’d never trust. And yeah, I mean, I guess that’s who I’ve become… but nonetheless, I just — wanted you to see _me._ Not _her.”_ Kara finished weakly. She had tears still stained on her face. Lena had never thought she looked more beautiful; more…. _zrhueiao._

“I don’t know what to say to that.” Lena admitted. “Not a single scenario I came up with was with that outcome.” she looked away.

But Kara wasn’t finished speaking. “I wanted you to see me for who I am, because I saw you. And I…” She inhaled sharply through her nose, as if the Girl of Steel needed to steel herself. “I loved you.”

“Kara….” Lena warned; her eyes staring daggers into Kara’s. Green met blue in a duel for the truth. “....don’t toy with me, please.”

“I’m not!” Kara insisted stubbornly. “I have loved you for as long as I can remember, and _that_ is why I could never tell you myself. If I told you, you’d hate me, and I would never have a chance… but more than that—'' Kara sighed out again, frowning deeply. “...you wouldn’t, you won’t be safe now that you know everything. Now that you know how much I had loved you.”

“I wasn’t born safe, Kara. You know that. Why would— _how could_ your love make me more at risk than my being a biological Luthor!” Lena was quick to retort. She wasn’t shouting, but Kara almost wished she were. Remembering then, that they were instead at CatCo, Kara lowered her voice again.

“I couldn’t risk it. I didn’t want to lose you and only have myself to blame, even though that’s what happened.” Kara whispered brokenly. Why wouldn’t Lena _understand?_

“I don’t need to have a chance with you.” Kara stated next, making Lena look up sharply. “I don’t even want it. I ruined that all my own,” Kara continued.

“I just need to get it out. My therapist has informed me that I’m not supposed to bottle my feelings up anymore. It’s not healthy.”

Lena started to speak, but when nothing came out, Kara took her silence as an answer. Kara was going to _therapy_ now?

“I had a feeling.” She murmured. “At any rate, I’m going out with William tomorrow.” She announced suddenly, and Lena felt her whole world crash and burn with that one simple sentence. “There’s nothing stopping me now from giving him a chance…”

Unless she spoke up. Lena was about to, really. She was going to kiss Kara— make her see reason, make her see that Lena was the only one Kara would need. But of course, Alex chose _that_ moment to show up. “Kara? I heard about what happened, are you OK?” She asked worriedly, rushing over to her sister’s side.

Kara nodded, turning away from Lena’s pleading face. “I’m fine, now. Lena was a big help.” She said simply, as if the intimate moments they’d shared were nothing more than figments of Lena’s imagination. The Luthor felt her heart further break, but she willed herself not to cry. Not yet.

“Come on, I’ll take you home. We’ve got to get you ready for your big date, anyway.” Alex murmured, squeezing Kara’s shoulder. “Thanks for protecting her today, Luthor.” The older Danvers added. “I’ll try and keep her out of your hair for a while in thanks.”

 _No. Don’t keep her from me, please. Please, I’ll be so good._ the words were on the tip of her tongue. Lena shook her head brusquely. “Anyone would have done the same. Just glad I was there to help. And Kara?” she asked beseechingly, needing eye to eye contact from the most _zrhueiao_ person she had ever seen, one last time.

“Yes?” But Kara didn’t meet her eyes. Lena swallowed thickly. That was it, then.

“Have a safe drive home.” she said lamely instead.

“Thanks,” Kara stated. “You too — get some rest. You’ve earned it after today.” Kara suggested kindly. Lena nodded, not that Kara was watching. The Danvers sisters took their leave then, and Lena could easily swear that her office had _never_ felt as lonely as it did now.

When Kara and Alex arrived back at Kara’s apartment, Alex turned to Kara. “Are you OK? For real.” She asked again, looking suspiciously at her sister as they combed through the Kryptonian’s wardrobe.

“Peachy.” Kara said defensively. “I said what I wanted to say. It’s not my job to force her to return feelings for me.” She looked up at her sister, holding a flowery dress from dates with Mon-El to her chest. “What do you think?”

“Did you even give her a chance to speak?” Alex asked incredulously. Eyeing the dress, she outright shuddered. “Absolutely not. Also, burn that. Try this one on instead.” A light pink dress with a dark gradient of red towards the end, the dress flowing around the bottom to indicate she could spin around in it. Kara smiled.

“Perfect.” She muttered, going to her room to change. Calling backwards to Alex, she shrugged as she took off her shirt. “She wasn’t _going_ to say anything, Alex. I could see it in her face.” The words come out dejected.

“Yeah, because we all know how good you are at reading faces.” Alex snarked back, starting to get annoyed. “Luthor was practically crying when you wouldn’t look at her when we left.” she announced. When Kara came back in the room, wearing the dress, Alex inhaled sharply. “So the way I see it, you have two choices.”

“What? Choose to break my heart all over again?” Kara asked in disbelief. “Alex, no. I can’t.” she pleaded. Though the nagging doubt had set in. Lena was openly crying when she left? Couldn’t be. Everyone knows that the Luthor was practically made of steel. Even more so than the Girl of Steel herself.

“Or to mend it.” Alex supplied helpfully. “You look beautiful Kara.” She added softly, adjusting her sister’s sleeves to settle right on her shoulders. “I just think you should try the office one last time. Or even L-Corp, okay?” Alex was not the type to beg. Or to lead Kara astray. But then again, wasn’t it Alex who’d been pushing Kara towards accepting William’s date invites?

“What about William?” Kara asked, raising her eyebrow in a way that made her stomach turn inside out, her face turning green in a way that Kryptonite could never alter her skin. The first rise of Lena’s eyebrow, and Kara would have done anything for her. Hell, she’d gone flying in her civilian clothes, all because Lena was hurt.

“Nothing! There are literally no sparks there. I should have never said anything about him to you, if I hadn’t then you’d be still oblivious to his advances.” Alex admitted. “That’s on me, and I’m sorry.” She added. “Now. Go and get your girl, or I will do it for you.” She began to quite literally shove Kara out the door.

“Alex….”

“No, I’m not going to listen to anymore of this ‘she loves me, she loves me not,’ bullshit from you, Kara Danvers.” Alex responded severely, though there was no real bite to her words. “You deserve to have a real, full life with the woman you love and who loves you in return. You owe it to yourself, and to her, to try and get that.”

“Buy ice cream and have a Julia Roberts movie on standby.” Kara sighed out, seeing that Alex would not be moved on the subject. Alex nodded. “I should change.” She decided, then hesitated. “Should I?” She just wanted to get this over with — for better or for worse.

“Leave it on.” Alex advised. “She’ll think you look pretty regardless. Now go. And I expect you to get there by _a bus_ Kara Danvers!” She ended, pushing Kara out the door.

“Yes Alex. I’ll let you know what happens either way.” Kara said, letting herself just breathe for a second before she rushed out of the balcony door now, using super speed to jump up into the sky. She flew all the way to CatCo, only to find Lena’s office abandoned.

“Please.” She whispered. “Please be here.” She flew to Lena’s office at L-Corp, and touched down on the balcony quietly. There wasn’t a single sound when she crept in to look through the window. She was barely even breathing at this point, too caught up in her nerves and her fear.

Lena was there.

Lena was pouring a generous helping of alcohol into her liquor cup.

But Lena was there.

Kara knocked on the balcony door, and when it looked like Lena would drop the glass cup out of shock, rushed in to save it from dropping onto the floor and breaking — just barely.

“Kara?” Lena questioned. “Uh. What are you doing here?” She did a double take. “Did you fly in that?” Kara’s dress had gotten windswept, and her hair was an absolute mess. Lena thought she was a beautiful disaster.

“Have you drank yet?” Kara asked quietly in lieu of an answer. She did _not_ want Lena drunk for this conversation. When Lena shook her head in a tiny, frightened shake, Kara stepped forward. Closer. Closer. Closer.

Their foreheads touched.

Lena’s heart was beating in a rapid taboo now. Kara would be able to hear it even if she were a human, she’d be willing to bet anything on the fact.

“What are you doing here?” Lena asked again. The words came out now in a whisper. Kara could feel Lena’s breath on her own lips.

“I came back for you.” Kara said quietly. “Because it occurred to me, as I was getting ready… I never really gave you a chance. I just kinda… walked out.” She wasn’t going to mention how detrimental Alex had been to that realisation, but Lena raised an eyebrow. It was obvious she knew.

“Okay.” Lena paused. “So what do you want to hear?” She asked in a tiny voice. Kara wouldn’t have been able to hear it, if not for her super hearing. She thanked Rao for that ability quickly before she answered Lena’s question.

“I want you to answer the following question. I’ll give you an easy one. Yes or no answers only.” Kara said in a hushed tone. “And you have to be a hundred percent honest with _me_ too, Lena.”

Lena nodded, fidgeting with her hands as she waited for the question. “Do you love me?” Lena almost laughed— it was going to be that easy? After all the heartbreak that she’d gone through, from four years of friendship… from weeks of hate… to outright _heartache_ for the past four hours, it all came down to a yes or no question.

“Yes.” Hands come up to touch Kara’s face. “Yes.” She repeated. “Yes.” It seemed all she was capable of saying as she looked into Kara’s eyes. “A thousand times yes.”

Kara felt her eyes flood with tears as she nuzzled Lena’s forehead with her own. “Now you ask me.”

“Do you love me?” If not for Kara’s bravery, Lena wouldn’t have dared to be so bold.

“Yes,” Kara answered immediately. “It was always you. It’s always gonna _be_ you.” She admitted, her own hands traveling to Lena’s face, rubbing a thumb over the woman’s lips. The moment is suddenly so electrically charged that Lena cannot help herself.

But Kara has the same idea.

Their lips meet in a single, soul affirming, life changing, brain melting kiss. 

_Roughly Six Months Later._

“It was like one straight out of a romcom. Except this was no romcom — this was real life. And sometimes? Sometimes the hero gets the girl. After all…” Here Kara paused, a chuckle escaping her mouth as she looked up at her wife. “Lena got me, didn’t she?” The crowd laughed along with her, as Lena outright blushed in a room full of their family and loved ones.

Neither woman had ever been quite this happy.

“Actually darling,” Lena stood, nuzzling her head into the crook of Kara’s neck as the two women held a knife to their wedding cake. “I think you’ll find I’m the one who got _you.”_

The cake was cut, the wedding bracelets that they wore clanging together with a small tinkling sound.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> SuperCorp Endgame,  
> embracedself
> 
> P.S. COMMENTS FUEL MY SOUL!!!


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